I’m in the midst of organizing my things. Admiring them and relishing in the sheer enjoyment of feeling so blessed. And maybe it has crossed my mind before, but the underlying truth of how much dependency I put onto these tangible items has settled into my mind.
It got me to think about everything I’ve put false reliance in. I used to eat excessively, tried substances, and purchased with so many shopping bags in hand walking into my apartment. All these things made me feel something. My high for the moment.
The thing was, is that I needed to go back to these mechanisms. I needed my daily, weekly, and I couldn’t even last if it was monthly – hit.
I think sometimes we base our dependency on these things because seemingly they do not change. Food will be there for you whether you are rich or poor. A substance is available so long as you have the money. And tangible items might come and go but there will always be a place nearby to obtain more.
There are so many facets of life where a person can store their comforts into. Sometimes it may feel more uncertain to depend on anything other than our vices. But they aren’t our mediator.
I think in my life it has dawned on me that my performance was a direct factor in how accepted I’d become. It felt like my ability to be pleasing in so many ways was what made me worthy – worthy enough to pour into, worthy enough to be chosen.
I realized just recently that people, things, opportunities can be withdrawn, and it isn’t always due to our own efforts. Partly yes, but it never occurred to me so clearly that people aren’t always willing to invest in what they no longer perceive as having a meaningful return.
When people perceived that I was no longer relevant, I watched them fade away. Conversations stopped, opportunities fell through, and things I thought were secure suddenly weren’t. And I think this is part of why my vices became so strong in the past. Rejection could be alleviated by a vice. So, there is this illusion of stability within these vices laced in the reality that the real world isn't so forgiving of our mistakes. But a vice may never leave us so long as we subscribe.
And it becomes this sick cyclical means of feeling alleviated and temporarily sustained. Even if it is for a few days.
Because eventually I would need it again—not because it had actually given me what I was looking for, but because for a moment, it had given me the feeling of being accepted without having to earn it. And seemingly, the exchange seems fair—until you identify the consequences later in life and become immersed in a negative perception of yourself, not always aware of the decisions that led you.
This realization settled so deep in my psyche recently, and it got me to think of how far I’ve come in grounding my sense of contentment in things that sustain me.
I think there is something important about coming to terms with the fact that, no matter how we frame it, we are spiritual beings living within a spiritual realm. Our energy, spirit, and fulfillment coincide. I believe they are deeply reliant on one another.
For me personally, I’ve spent so much time discovering what exactly my path is and what is actually worth building my life around. And the more I’ve searched, the more I’ve realized there are so many avenues that lead me toward the same ultimate purpose. For me, that purpose has increasingly pointed back to God—not as an idea I need to convince myself of serving, but as the source I’ve found myself returning to when I ask what is truly lasting and worth pursuing.
The relationship I’ve spent pursing God – Jesus, has unexpectedly poured into the relationship I have with myself.
I think the word I have for myself this year is stewardship. I’ve started to think differently about the things and opportunities that come into my life—not simply as things to possess or accomplishments to collect, but as things I’m responsible for shaping well and allowing to serve something greater than myself. My purpose can still consist of tangible accomplishments and ways of progressing, but underneath all of that, there is a question I keep coming back to: what is all this ultimately serving? What am I building, and what is it exalting?
