Waking up to Myself
I’m transitioning. Starting a new chapter. And I think God is exposing me to new possibilities. New wants and expectations for myself. I’ve never felt more capable.
I look back on all my mistakes and wrong turns. Somehow, they feel like the right moves I could’ve made for myself. Now I feel like I am in the right place with the right perspective. I’m happy. Is this awakening? Happiness? Like that movie the Pursuit of Happyness when he’s finally offered a full-time position after interning for 6 months.
Do you finally reach a point in your life when you actually feel like you’re in the driver’s seat. In charge of your avatar, in control of your simulation? How freeing is it to know that life is at the mercy of the capacity of your mind. How freeing is it to know that your spirit can finally be liberated. Given the fortitude to listen to it.
When I think about the possibilities, I begin to remember my teenage self. When people would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up. At that age were not expected to know. But we are expected to provide an answer.
Mine was linear and technical. It made me feel busy and it made me feel proud. I found value in being able to proclaim my future profession. But when I laid down to go to sleep and rose up to start the day, it didn’t entirely make me feel excited.
It’s not until now that I realize I need multiple forms of expression. My mind was stimulated with the career path I chose, but I’m learning that the emotional and spiritual aspect of one’s life is just as noteworthy. And by the grace and off-roading of God’s hand, I found my calling?
I feel like life isn’t supposed to be complicated. But I think as social creatures we make it so because we subscribe to a standardized way of living it. It is so impractical to be asking a 17-year-old child how they’d like to spend the next few decades of their life with such limited information. So little experience.
My sister told me this beautiful quote she came up with. I can’t disclose it because it’s specifically reserved for her future projects, but I will say the gist of it.
When you go through life there is a period of darkness. You are simply moving. Making choices that appear correct but maybe they aren’t stemming from pure authenticity. When you look back on this, you begin to feel as if time has been wasted. As if so much was taken from you. Maybe through trauma. Generational systems that influenced your thinking. It is all so grand in how it influenced your current self.
In the process of waking up to your true desires you begin to feel at a loss. And simultaneously you begin to look ahead with a world of uncoverings your soul yearns to discover.
In that moment you are present. And in the following moments you are waking to the realization that maybe the darkness wasn't empty after all.
Maybe you were still moving toward something, even when you didn't know you were even on your way. And in arriving at this nuanced understanding of yourself, you finally feel capable of choosing where you go next.
